So, I’ve been writing a while now. At least a few months. And I sent off my first book manuscript, let’s see, 5 months ago? It’s time and more that I was published. Don’t these publishers and agents realise what they’re missing out on? The millions I could make them (and me)? Well, panic no longer. This post will explain exactly why I’m the person you should all be signing IMMEDIATELY, and I shall sit next to the phone once I’ve pressed ‘Publish’ to accept your calls. And your grovelling apologies for not calling sooner.
1. I’m a genius. Children have never read books like mine. I have a way with the written (or typed) word that makes it sing on the page. Children all over the world will have literacy scores through the roof after reading my books. Well, book (see below).
2. I’ll only bother you once. My book is so good, it will keep us all rich and happy for many, many years. There’s no need to write more than one, in fact I’m not even bothering right now. Hear that? That was the sound of all my works-in-progress going in the bin. And that other noise was the cork popping out of the bottle of wine I’m opening to drink instead of writing.
3. I need no editing. I’ve been over my manuscript a couple of times, I know it’s great. Therere absolutly no speling errors, typox or grammer mistakes for you to worries about. I’m a pro. So you’ll actually be saving money on an editor by publishing me.
4. I don’t need an illustrator. I’ve got kids, they can do the drawings. It’ll add charm and character. And again, it’s cheaper. Lots of lovely royalties for us.
5. I’ll be easy to market. Stay at home mum writing with young children? A money maker. If you want me to add a touch of extra pathos, I’ll stash my husband under the patio and ba-boom! I’m also a young, tragic widow. He won’t mind, he’ll know it’s in a good cause.*
6. I’m good to work with. As long as you give me your undivided attention, with a phone call or lunch on the house a couple of times a week, I’ll be happy. Oh, and do try to control the fans, please?
So there you have it. Six reasons why you should be signing me up before someone else snaps me up and you regret your missed opportunity forever.
*no husbands were harmed in the making of this post.